About not listening to your own truth

IMG_3009Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

Once, I was unhappy with the person with whom I shared a relationship. It took so long for me to call it quits because I kept hoping for things to take a positive turn. Even though I knew – from experiences accumulated in this very relationship – that things would not turn out for the best. I just wished emphatically that they would. If you wish for something really hard and at the same time work yourself into a sweat gettng your wish to come true – and it still does not materialize, you better have a serious talk with yourself about the naked truth of the matter. I stayed in denial, however. Even though I knew better. The best and most honest way to describe my behaviour: I lied to myself!

And there was something else afoot: I was secretly afraid. Afraid to let go. If I would have been honest with myself, I would’ve had to take the next step: a step into the unknown. Because leaving the relationship meant leaving a dream. A dream of a future I had wished for. A doomed dream as it turned out. And it meant diving into reality head-first. No pictures of futures anymore. Or at least just vague ones. Wide open spaces in front of me. And fears of future regrets, perhaps.

Someone once said that fear is a very poor advisor. This is because fear leads you to avoid taking chances. And taking chances is sometimes what is required to fill those wide open spaces of unimagined futures with new possibilities and new dreams.

So One day I stopped lying to myself. It all became so crystal-clear. I was busting my fantasies and allowing myself to land into reality. Right back home: in the Land of Me. Home sweet home! Boy had I missed that place! To my shock the consequence of having lied to myself all this time was the loss of a great part of my own territory. I had partially lost myself. Well, this sounds more dramatic than it was in real-life. I mean, I still had a strong sense of Self, but what I felt after I had said goodbye to the relationship was a certifiable homecoming, nevertheless. It felt good to finally be truthful. It was a grand lesson. One that took a while to learn. And those feared regrets? Imagined. Just like the rest of those lies. Molten away in the warmth of my self-love.

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